Cyberbullying
Cyberbullying is the harmful application of technology by students wishing to extend the reach and impact of their bullying behavior during and beyond school hours. It is the use of information and communication technologies such as e-mail, cell phone and pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, defamatory online personal polling Web sites, and digital photography, to support repeated acts by an individual or group, that are intended to embarrass, humiliate or intimidate their victim.
“Cyberbullying is different from face-to-face bullying because the bully is removed from the immediate and tangible feedback of the victim. They don't "see" the harm they have caused or the consequences of their actions, which minimizes any feelings of remorse or empathy. This creates a situation where kids do and say things on the Internet that they would be much less likely to do in person.”
The following are the hard lessons we learned from our son's use of his computer. We feel his computer presented a very unhealthy outlet for his hurt feelings that ended up exacerbating his depression that led to his suicide. We hope this information helps you become more aware of the potential problems and encourages a broader discussion with your child about cyberbullying and the use of the family computer in your home.
There is one message we hope gets through on this page ... everything you type into a screen gets recorded electronically. You are leaving cyber foot prints all over the place when you get on-line. You may be able to fully erase everything on your computer along with history logs, IMs, etc. … but once you send something to someone else, you can never be absolutely sure it will never be read by some unintended audience at some point in time. If you have something highly personal and confidential to chat with someone about, pick up the phone or meet with them in person.
Become involved in your child's cyberspace.
Pull up a chair next to them and ask the following:
- Share with me the programs and websites you use for instant messaging such as Yahoo, AOL IM or Messenger and any social networking sites such as Facebook or Myspace.
- By the way, if your child is under 13, you have the option to have these accounts deleted. It is against the Children's On-line Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) passed by congress for them to have these accounts without verified parental consent.
- Share with me all your screen names you use for instant messaging.
- Ask why they have more than one? Are you comfortable with the screen name(s) they created?
- Share with me your profile or away message for each of these screen names used for instant messaging.
- Share with me your buddy list for each of these screen names.
- Ask for the real name for each screen name on the buddy list.
- If they don't know, this is a stranger.
- Ask yourself, do you know each “cyber” buddy?
- Have you ever shared your password with a friend?
- If yes, have them change it immediately and explain why it is dangerous to share their password with anyone besides you.
- Have you ever cyber bullied or have been cyber bullied?
- But first define bullying for them:
An act against another intended to ridicule, intimidate or humiliate.
- Share your feelings about bullying on-line and how wrong this behavior is towards someone.
- Do you understand that everything you type into an IM or post at a social networking website can be copied, pasted and forwarded to ridicule, intimidate, humiliate or even blackmail you?
- Do you understand that very personal and private issues are best shared in person or on the phone and not on-line or through text messaging where it could be forwarded or changed very easily.
- Do you understand how important it is to protect your reputation?
Establish a “Trust But Verify” approach
- Establish your own family's acceptable computer use policy. List what may or may not be allowed on your home computer. Set clear rules about time limits too.
- Be upfront with your child that this policy will be enforced and monitored.
- Therefore they cannot accuse you of spying or invading their privacy with this fair warning upfront.
- Explain why you are just as concerned with what their peers may send to your computer.
- Purchase monitoring and time control software to help enforce your family's acceptable computer use policy.
- Search “parental control software reviews” to see what are the latest options and reviews.
- The most effective programs log every key stroke and send you reports as often as you want.
- Do not allow a computer to be in a child's bedroom. Keep it in a public area such as the kitchen.
How much technology and access do they really need at a certain age?
- Does your child really need a cell phone? One with text messaging? One with picture/video taking capabilities?
- Does your middle school child possess the maturity and social skills to use technology and social networking websites responsibly? Do their peers?
- Is it healthy for them to come home and plug right back into the school and social drama versus having some well established quiet, reflective and regenerative downtime?
- When does technology begin to create too much stress and anxiety. What is the right balance for your child?
COPPA (Childrens Online Privacy Protection Act)
Sounds like a great law but click here and read it. Where was the common sense in selecting age 13 as the age for posting personal information online without any parental awareness and approval. Websites like MySpace are taking advantage of an age group that lacks the maturity and judgment to use these safely. They are getting rich on advertisement revenue playing to an age group most susceptible in wanting to be noticed and seen.
I was in a 6th grade class and asked how many had a MySpace page ... nearly every hand shot up. I then asked how many of them were left back two years. Nobody raised their hand. One girl admitted she lied and filled in age 18 in her application and profile.
Even though a typical 13 year old is physically capable of driving a car, most states don't even issue a learners permit until age 15. No sane parent would throw their 13 year old the keys to the family car because most would agree the judgment and maturity hasn't developed well enough yet to drive on the highway. Yet we throw them the keys for the information highway and often with little to no safety training.
Raising the age of this law to at least 16 and ideally 18 would take away the excuse that it is too hard for MySpace and other similar websites to enforce age compliance. It's much easier to tell the difference between a 12 year old and an 18 year old. Also, id verification approaches like entering a driver's license number would become more practical ways of enforcing age compliance.
One more thought
Prior to IM/chat, when in the history of communications could a minor (and adult) so easily communicate anonymously, with anyone in the world and say anything without any accountability for their actions or words? To boot, easily disguise themselves as any sex or age and be able to portray multiple identities (screen names) at the same time? Why would you give a young child access to this communication capability or expose them to this environment? Is it a good idea to give IM/chat access to an age range that is still maturing, still learning how to communicate responsibly and with accountability in person? I don't think so anymore.